Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Mission Notes 16 August 2016

I find myself in a bit of an existential quandary.

This is going to be the type of blog post that I would have written on my old blog, or more accurately would have written and never posted, as it would never see the light of day.

This is going to be the type of wandering, self aware, self indulgent, self important kinda of blog post that I didn't want to write any more. My hope for the new blog would be to be more experiential and less narrative.

Wait, what the fuck does that even mean?

Self Important and self indulgent this is my soap box and god knows old habits die hard...

Anyway... Mortality is a son of a bitch. This year one of the guys who I chased around for years, for countless miles passed. Last week, another old cycling friend/teammate had a heart attack at 47... I am not comfortable with my friends and peers getting sick and dying. These are people who live healthy life styles, who exercise, who do the right thing... and yet... It just doesn't matter does it?

This is weighing heaving on me. I'm scared. I'm not ready to die. And for all the good and exercise it really doesn't fucking matter does it? When it's your time, it your time...

The question I guess is how do you spend it. The time that you have?

And that is weighing heavily on me.

For the past 25 years, I have chased my perfect race. The one where it all comes together. What I question now is am I still striving for that or have I had my perfect race?  Am I now just an addict? Am I now just chasing that feeling, that moment. That memory, or what I think that memory was... What am I chasing for? Why am I doing this anymore?

I don't want to die alone on a fire road doing a set of intervals at 5:00am on some random morning...

I also know inevitably, I will die. And it will be on some random day. My wishes will most likely not be considered.

Two weeks ago, everything was on track. I was feeling good, and I felt prepared for the upcoming season. I felt hungry and alive. Then I broke my ass. Much of 2015 was spent nursing an injury, battling through a season that I wasn't particularly prepared for, and here I am again.

I am not sure that I'm mentally strong enough, or even have the passion enough to do that again. I'm not sure I want another fall of seeing how hard I can go, without over doing it.. Of pushing up to the edge and hoping everything works out.  I've watched Diane do it time and again, and I have been in awe of her strength and tenacity. I just don't think I  have that...

I love riding my bike. I love the friends and world I have been exposed through cycling. I still love to make the bike go fast, and dice it up with my friends. Bike drive. This has been really an all encompassing chase for a very long time...

And if it is over, what's next? Does my yard finally get the attention it deserves? Do I wash my car every weekend? Cross Fit?  Christ, I have been fighting my weight forever, am I gonna get really fat? I remember my 8 weeks off last year, and how big I got, and how awful I felt at 180lbs... What does 200 feel like? If I'm not racing do I still shave my legs? Do I become that dude trying to win the club ride?

Maybe all this mental gymnastics is just that... mental gymnastics, trying to make sense of the world around me, trying to find some order or reason, when really there is no sense, and it really doesn't matter if I can make sense of it....

Maybe just a reality check of my own mortality, that I don't like.

Maybe in another few weeks my body will heal, and I'll chase my friends around on bikes and everything will be cool again.

Maybe I just need a good nights sleep...

Like I said at the top, an existential quandary...

Can't Stop Won't stop: Some New England dude cooler than me.
Video Clip: Meatballs Bill Murray

1 comment:

  1. Yeah man it was weird when in freshman year of college some of my friends from high school were already popping out babies. We lost 3 people from my high school class last year. Time can be a heartless bitch. Surround yourself with good people and do what makes you happy. We don't have much control over the end game; the best we can hope for is to live on in the memories of others. Do good things. And personally I'm hoping for the heart attack, it seems like one of the better ways to go.


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